If you’ve struggled to fall pregnant, you already understand the grief that can occur when it doesn’t happen according to plan. Infertility affects more people than ever. In fact, more than 200,000 IVF babies have been born in Australia and New Zealand since 1980. The process hasn’t been as uncomfortable as I thought it might be – in fact, there has been a great deal of joy along the way. With that being said, there are certain things I wish I’d been more prepared for that I’d like to share with you.
You may be judged – from a range of angles
With IVF being so common in the modern world, many people are compassionate to these struggles. Some people consider it their duty to say that you are playing with nature, to judge your faith, to tell you that they wouldn’t consider using assistive reproductive technologies because those fertilised eggs you’re freezing are real babies, or to offer endless reams of advice that may be well-meaning but difficult to listen to. There is an added layer of judgment if you are using donor sperm as a gay or single parent. Depending on how equipped you feel to manage this judgment, sometimes it can be better to choose your confidants carefully.
People feel like they are entitled to know your business
Before my egg pick up, someone saw me dropping a Berocca into a glass of water and felt that it was completely okay to ask me if I was trying to fall pregnant. The fizz hadn’t even settled in the bottom of the glass yet! I got a lot of intimate questions – even if I used an ‘out’ like saying that I wasn’t thinking about it (oh, really? Why aren’t you thinking about it?) Maybe because I’m too busy wondering why my pee is as fluorescent yellow as a disco glow stick from 2002. Cheers, vitamin B!If you are gay, you may be asked relentless questions like, which one of you is carrying? Who is the donor? Why aren’t you choosing a friend as a donor? Surely your child has a right to know who made them… and on it goes. If you feel unable to deal with this onslaught without raising your blood pressure, only share what you’re comfortable with. You aren’t everybody else’s science project.
Your employer may not be as supportive as you think they should be
Depending on which EBA you are under, your IVF days may not be counted as sick leave or you may be completely prevented from using any sort of leave for IVF. If you work for a religious organisation, they may be covered by ‘lifestyle clauses’ which can give them power to say no to requests that they deem as unChristian in nature. Some EBAs do not consider IVF appointments as making a person ‘unfit for work.’ Depending on your circumstances, you may have a chat with your employer or pursue alternatives that don’t involve disclosure.
Pregnancy vitamins are harmless but they can make you feel dodgy
Your doctor will prescribe vitamins that can help to prepare your body. While many people don’t have a negative reaction to vitamins, they can cause bloating, nausea, and vomiting. Although I was prepared for the impact of the hormones, I was in no way prepared for the nausea I got from taking a cocktail of vitamin supplements before my egg pick up. I wish someone had told me.
There are so many networks out there, you can find a supportive group of people who can relate to what you’re going through
In the Facebook world, there is a group for anyone under the sun – whether you do or don’t want contact with donor-siblings, you are a single parent by choice, a lesbian parent trying to conceive, or anything in between. These groups offer support, book resources, and comfort for what can be a difficult process. My advice is to sign up for one or two, as too much fertility discussion online can be an information overload – something that can be quite unwelcome when you are just starting out with it all.